Human expectations and its crazy relation with the peace of mind.
There is a well-known saying 'Need is the mother of Invention'. Very apt. Humans wouldn't have invented anything if there was no need felt for that particular invention. And then the need increased and then humans invented more and more and the process is still on since the 'need' is something that multiplies more than the reproductive rate of bedbugs…
I think we should coin one more saying like 'Expectation is the mother of need'. Sounds funny? Illogical? Well... just give it a thought. Why do we need something? For e.g. - why do I need an iPhone? I 'EXPECT' that my mobile device should be more than just a mobile phone and due to which I give birth to that feeling of 'NEED'. You don't actually need an iPhone but your increased expectations from a mobile device make you feel that you need one! Think about it...
Problem arises when we go beyond a limit in our expectations... As far as these non-living entities are concerned it’s quite manageable. By manageable I mean it’s rational and anything rational is acceptable. For e.g. - I 'expect' to have an iPhone but since I don't have the money to buy one I can't have one! Simple as that. Human brain thus can put this one 'expectation' coming out of his ever expecting mind to rest by a rational thought. He understands that there is no point in 'Expecting' something that I cannot achieve. At least, as of now. Realizing this gives an immense peace of mind and in a way, if utilized properly, can be a driving force for achieving what you expect! Like ' I expect to be owner of an iPhone, SO I will work hard, earn more money and buy one!’ This again is like putting the expectation at rest. It is not just mere achieving the thing that you expect but even the feeling that you will be fulfilling it, by doing so and so actions, which helps in getting rid of the expectation thread that is being opened in your mind and would not let you have a resting moment until you get it!
What is mental stress? It's the numerous 'Expectations' that we have in our mind which until fulfilled would nag you like anything. Once this count goes beyond a limit we need to go and see a shrink! Many a times these deadly expectations stay in our brain and make it a point to kill anything that will give you joy. The expectation that I want an iPhone, will always and always, make me feel a bit bad when I look at my current mobile device. At that moment itself an unhappy thread would open in my mind which will definitely give me some sorrow! Weird right? Truth is weird.
The sad and most painful experiences we face in our life are due to expectations.
Let me add something here.
The sad and most painful experiences we face in our life are due to expectations that we have from the people in our life.
Let me add something more here.
The sad and most painful experiences we face in our life are due to expectations that we have from the people in our life who we consider to be our close ones!
Now, that is the sentence I was looking for. Just close your eyes and remember the saddest thing that happened in your life.
You got a first class in your exam when you were expecting a distinction. That itself will make you sad. But what makes you even more miserable is when your dad says that you are no good and would never get a distinction. Here you again 'Expected' your dad to be supportive, encouraging or at least neutral. Since that expectation wasn't met you feel worse now!
A better example - You introduce a very close friend of yours to a comparatively new friend of yours. And then you get to know that this very close friend of yours has been advising the new friend 'To keep a distance' from you since you are no good. Then your new friend coming and asking you 'Why does your very close friend talk like that about you. .’ What a classic scenario! You 'expect' your close friend not to back stab you and now that he has done it you feel miserable and sad and angry. All three feelings are bad for you! :)
It’s all about expectations.
We expect something from our car. - Better mileage, Less maintenance, we don't get it makes us sad
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We expect something from our laptop - speed, better resolution, it hangs up and we are cursing Michael Dell
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We expect something from our t-shirt - comfort, color that would stay, it starts itching and after the first wash color fades away and you are angry like anything
These examples though about non-living things like you car, your laptop and a t-shirt, still leave you scarred for life! You will never ever buy the same brand again and even if you buy you will always have that feeling of distrust in your mind. Just because it did not meet your expectations the first time!
If a non-living thing can change your perspective for life just think about what effect it has when someone, some friend, colleague, acquaintance, teacher, junior does not fulfill something that you were really expecting from that person! Just think about it...
Your friend backstabs you... [You expect your friend would never backstab you.]
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Your manager does not give you the recognition that you deserve... [You expect the recognition.]
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Your girlfriend/boyfriend cheats on you... [You expect that he/she will be loyal to you.]
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Your son comes home one day reeking of whiskey… [You expect that your son is a good boy and doesn't drink!]
The list goes on and is very generic.
So is NOT expecting anything from anyone the answer to being happy?
May be. May be not.
But as far as my observation of the world and people around me goes... Those who expect less are the ones who are most happy and content.
Let’s try this out - Don't expect anything from anyone for a couple of weeks. Let me know if that made your life easier and calmer. Obviously it is very difficult. Stopping yourself from ‘expecting’ is almost like stopping food and water and air, that too all-together!
But the end result definitely seems to be calm happiness with an eternal peace of mind.
At least… I am “expecting” it to be! :)
Comments (4)
Phew....I never "expected" you can write so well :P "So is NOT expecting anything from anyone the answer to being happy?" Yeah...sometimes it is. Another point that you missed - When you expect something and you get it, it gives you just happiness....but when you don't expect something and you get it( I mean good things) that gives you lots & lots of happiness.
Hey, Saw your comment just today. Hope you doing great! Thanks for your compliment. I do rant sometime! And yes, when you get unexpected happiness obviously its the best feeling but again that is a rare thing to happen ;) C ya around! -Shantanu
Expectation is a double-edge sword; without it, we have no progress in our society and more will die of disease and senseless war (no nuke to deter attack); On the other hand, to take your expectation as an entitlement can ruin your day like you so eloquently described above. So what do we do? Try to become aware of your own feeling. If you feel sad because your expectation is not meet by someone you care about, remind yourself that he/she is trapped in his/her own "ego trap" and that it is not personal. If you are not satisfied with a product because it does not meet your expectation; don't worry, the company that produces the product won't last long because you are not the only one who is dissatisfied. So, you see, expectation has its place; you just need to temper it. Thanks for sharing your good thought.
Btw, due to the fact that NO ONE is perfect, expectation will not be met for everyone by anyone. Your friend, in your example, back stabbed you because of HIS/HER expectation of you was not met. While it was easy to present a case of how other had failed our expectation, we often forgot to notice how we failed others as well. The dilemma is that if we let go of fulfilling others' expectation of us to find our own peace of mind or our own interest for that matter; we will also have to let go of our expectation of others. We should not be surprised if others started to bad mouth us because we did not act according to their expectation in our pursue of our own destiny (and not theirs). Of course, our relatives,friends, or those who know us will consider us "selfish" because our action does not fall into their expectation of what we "ought" to do when we are merely taking action to pursue our own happiness according to our "own" expectation. In the end, we need to live our own live according to our own expectation and not according to the expectation of others. In other words, don't worry about how others are thinking of you negatively as long as you are not doing something bad to them personally. Live your own life; not others.